If You Think People Are Born Charming, You’re Mistaken — likability can be learned, just like any other skill.
An article summarized by Cynthia Hammer, MSW, Executive Director
Author of the book, Living with Inattentive ADHD
What makes a person likable?
According to this Harvard study, the secret to being likable and improving interpersonal bonding isn’t being polite, helpful, or having a good sense of humor. It’s asking more questions.
We all want to feel someone is interested in us.
Harvard researchers scrutinized thousands of conversations from people getting to know each other. They told some people to ask at least nine questions within 15 minutes. The rest were told to ask up to four questions within 15 minutes. Their conversation partners better liked the people who asked many questions.
It makes sense — we all want to feel someone is interested in us.
People tend to talk a lot about themselves, especially when trying to impress someone, but that’s not the best strategy to make a positive impression.
When you show interest in someone — by asking them about their life, thoughts, and feelings — and shift the focus of the conversation from yourself onto the other person, that’s how you win them over.
It takes work to do it well.
According to research, the order of the questions has a significant effect on how the other person responds.
To build trust, rapport, and intimacy, start with relatively shallow and insignificant questions and progress to more private and deep ones.
Imagine you’re introduced to a new person, and the first thing they ask you is, “What’s your biggest fear?” or "What’s the thing you regret most in life?” Wouldn’t that make you feel uncomfortable?
Although these questions would make for an engaging conversation, you won’t pour your heart out to someone you just met. Before you get into the deep stuff, you need to establish a connection between you and the other person.
Start simply. Ask where they are from, what are their hobbies, and if they have any pets. Then, you can gradually ask more personal questions.
Follow-up questions are perfect.
When trying to make a good impression, follow-up questions signal an interest in the other person.
They open the door for a genuine conversation — rather than a rapid or awkward exchange of questions and one-line responses.
Here are some follow-up questions you can use:
· Can you tell me more about…?
· Why do you think that...?
· What do you mean by…?
· What about you....?
Ask these questions in a relaxed way rather than an aggressively, inquisitive tone. You want to sound like someone interested in getting to know the other person, not an interviewer.
Try out these suggestions and see how it goes.