I Have ADHD and Hate Boring Conversations

curated and edited by Cynthia Hammer, MS

Why We Get Bored 

• Small talk can be profoundly dull. The older you get, the more this is true. Truly, it is hard to find people who "match" in terms of what they find stimulating.

  Yesterday I talked with a friend who also has ADHD about how typical conversations go. One person says his whole monologue and then the other person says her entire monologue. The monologue-ing gets so dull it is hard for us to stay engaged. 

  We prefer conversations where people interrupt with interesting tidbits, as this makes the conversation more engaging and exciting. Our preferred way of communicating is perfectly acceptable, although there are settings where we need to reel in our enthusiasms and engage in more socially acceptable ways

• The more I work on conversation skills, the more I find the "take turns to dump" style grating. It's hard to follow the conversation and contribute anything meaningful. My brain wanders off when I try to sit and wait my turn!

Talking Too Much

• Conversations are like passing a ball from one person to another. It's unacceptable for you to hold the ball and never pass it back. You shouldn't talk all the time or only talk about what you're interested in. It's also unacceptable if the other person holds the ball and never passes it back. You don't want the conversation only to be about the other person. You pass the ball back and forth to each other.

  You let them "hold the ball" by asking genuine questions about the topic under discussion, even if it's steering them towards your preferred topics. Then they will likely lead the conversation back to topics they like, and so forth. The outcome would be bad only if your goal is to take the ball and never let it go.

Ideally, you end up landing on topics you both want to discuss by tossing the ball back and forth. But even if this doesn’t happen, it's still more interesting than just getting a monolog on a boring topic.

• Don’t let yourself talk for more than 30 seconds at a time. Outside of this, make your goal for conversation getting to know people.

Interrupting

• It helps to know when I've interrupted another person. Recognizing this comes with practice. If I catch myself soon enough, I stop speaking, apologize for interrupting and encourage the speaker to continue what he was saying. 

• If I can’t stop myself from speaking, and absolutely need to finish what I wanted to say, I make it brief. Then I apologize for my interruption and return the conversation to what the other person was saying.

• Frankly, you have to suppress the urge to interrupt. Find a way to control your facial expressions and maintain eye contact. What I'm suggesting is just better masking, but you can learn to do this.

  You either have to get better at being bored without others noticing while you engage in small talk OR find more interesting people that love topics that appeal to you. Sometimes you can't have it both ways.
  

How to Not Bore Others

• Super short answers, a monotone voice, not smiling, not looking at you but glancing around the room are all potential indicators that the other person doesn’t want to keep talking to you. 

• If you’re asking questions about things you genuinely find interesting, your conversational partner will probably feel that you’re interested in them and will like conversing with you.

• If you’re asking somebody about themselves or something they care about, it’s safe to assume they’ll like talking to you. People LOVE talking about themselves and what is important to them. Unless they give you really short answers and sound unenthusiastic, you’re probably golden.

• If you zone out while someone is talking, and the person notices, apologize and ask them to repeat what they just said. 

• If you’re asking questions, but the whole time you’re thinking, “God, I’m so bored, and I just want this person to shut up or talk about something that interests me,” they’re likely to pick up on the fact that you’d rather not talk with them. You’ll come off as self-centered.

As for how people pick up on this stuff, it isn’t easy. It’s your body language, your tone of voice, your face, the words you use. The same question can sound very different depending on how you phrase it and intone it.

So, what’s your job like?” is a vague question and puts the onus on the other person to decide how to answer the question. Such an open-ended question suggests you don’t care enough to think of a more specific question and that you’re just trying to keep the conversation going for its own sake, not because you are genuinely interested in the other person.  

A better question might be, “What’s the weirdest thing about your job?” This makes you sound more engaged. Your question is specific, which suggests you are more engaged in the conversation. 

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If you recognize some of your social faux pas in these comments, I hope you benefit from the tips for becoming a better conversationalist in the future.