Self-Compassion Comes Before Self-Confidence
A guest post by Liz Adams, Ph.D., Minnesota Neuropsychology
ADHD is a disorder of self-management and self-regulation.
People with ADHD often experience frustration related to their behavior, sometimes being critical of themselves, which can lead to a default stance of learned helplessness. To emerge from this state into a more self-confident and constructive place where a person can make positive changes in self-management, one must start with self-compassion.
Self-compassion promotes clarity and resilience, which, in turn, ultimately leads to creativity and generativity.
People with ADHD often have difficulty being self-compassionate. (Beaton et al, 2020) Mindfulness-based practices can help. UCLA has a research center dedicated to understanding the benefits of mindfulness. This podcast describes mindfulness and self-regulation strategies for children with ADHD.
Here are three steps of self-compassion as described by Kristin Neff, Ph.D.
Mindfulness. Neutral observation and non-judgmental awareness of one's experience in the present moment. Separating oneself from the feelings in the moment.
Common human identity. Recognize that suffering is part of human existence. It is an inevitable part of life. You are not alone.
Self-kindness. Through repeated practice, developing a warm and understanding approach toward oneself. This often starts with shifting the type of attributions and self-talk through intentional practice.
Example: You are late to a meeting again.
Mindfulness. I am arriving late to this meeting. This is a pattern I observe in myself. I feel scattered and frantic and frustrated with myself. Then: grounding. Become aware of some physical aspects of your experience (e.g., your breath going in and out of your nose, your feet on the ground). Connect with this physical experience, even just briefly. I feel frustrated right now, but this experience does not define me.
Common human identity. Lots of people arrive late to meetings. Lots of people struggle with planning to arrive on time. I am not alone in this experience. Being late is one aspect of my human condition, but it does not define me. I am not alone.
Self-kindness. I am doing the best I can at this time. I am confident that if I want to change this tendency, I will be able to. I have valuable things to contribute to this meeting. I don't want to show up late, but that's my experience today, and that is ok. This is where I'm at today. I will learn ways to be on time in the future. I accept myself for where I am today.
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