Some Children with ADHD Are More Than the Parents Can Handle
by Cynthia Hammer, MSW
My son, who at age 13 was diagnosed with ADHD, lied, stole, got into fights and even broke someone’s nose. At age 15, he spent four weeks in juvenile detention and after turning 18, spent several months in jail. These were the most harrowing years of my life, yet even as I’ve written about my ADHD diagnosis, I’ve kept the details of our challenges raising our youngest son a secret for over 25 years.
Some of my friends worried about what college would accept their son, while my husband and I worried our son might spend his life in prison. Who could we talk to? We felt no one would understand and had no idea where to get help.
Why am I disclosing a family secret now? I realized that being brave and sharing hard truths is crucial if people are to understand and get the help they need.
I owe my realization to Buzz, A Year of Paying Attention by Katherine Ellison, a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist. Katherine’s bravery encouraged me to be brave as well.
After she and her son were diagnosed with ADHD, Katherine devoted a year to improving her relationship with her then-twelve-year-old son, hoping it would make a difference.
In her book, Katherine describes her hurtful, harmful, and sometimes helpful interactions with her son and the various “therapies” they explored. By its end, the two, who had been battling each other as many parents and children with ADHD do, assembled a makeshift toolbox of strategies to move forward while, more importantly, strengthening their loving bond.
After reading this book, which was initially printed in 2010 but which Ellison recently updated, I wondered why I had never heard of it. I thought it should be a classic, like Drs. Edward Hallowell and John Ratey’s Driven to Distraction. It has an important message for parents of a particular segment of children diagnosed with ADHD. You may love your child with all your heart. You may try your best, spend more money than you can afford and seek out the best resources and advice, yet, still, your child is not happy. He continues to be “troubled.” He continues to cause trouble. And sometimes, the best you can do is keep him safe and stay connected, hoping maturity will eventually kick in.
Katherine told me, “I didn’t have the time or energy to promote the book after it was published. I needed to keep my focus on my son.” Happily, she says, her son is now 27 and thriving, giving her time to update her work and produce a new e-book and audiobook. I hope this time around it finds the audience it deserves.
Addendum: For additional information about ADHD, its presentations and treatments, explore reliable sources such as ADDitude magazine and CHADD.
P.S. Cynthia’s son, now 44, is happily married with a successful career and two marvelous children.