Will It Be a Spoonful of Sugar or a Spoonful of Salt?

by Cynthia Hammer, MSW

John and Julie Gottman, renowed marriage researchers, have written a new book about how to achieve a better marriage. But, one piece of their advice, called “turning toward,” is appropriate for all relationships.  People with ADHD will benefit from this advice since it is simple to understand and implement and provides a tremendous return in fostering improved relationships.

When someone says something, wanting to engage with you or share an insight, do you:

(1) Stop what you are doing and interact with them for a few minutes?

(2) Not respond at all? or

(3) Say something negative that stops them in their tracks? 

The Gottman’s know, from their research, that number 1 is the response that improves relationships. Imagine the delight of a child, a spouse or a partner, when you take a moment to pay attention to them, making them feel they are important to you. 

Now imagine response 2, when you cannot be bothered, even to look at them or acknowledge they said something meaningful.  This would make the person feel ignored and discounted. When your response is negative(#3), it conveys the message they shouldn’t bother you about such unimportant matters.  Your dismissive response will make your child, spouse or friend feel devalued, hurt and maybe angry.

Responses 2 and 3 are not ways to create more meaningful and lasting relationships. 

Response 1 results in a short, engaging interaction which adds a “spoonful of sugar” to your relationships.  Responses 2 and 3 taint your relationships with a “spoonful of salt.”

So before you respond, take a moment to think, “Do I want to add a teaspoon of sugar or a teaspoon of salt to this relationship?