I Am So Tired of Hearing “You Don’t Need to be Fixed.”
By Cynthia Hammer, MSW, Author of Living with Inattentive ADHD
We want to be fixed. Why do you think we hire coaches, if not to be fixed, if not to improve our lives? Why had we continuously asked, “What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can’t I do better?” if we were content with ourselves?
Why did we desperately seek help from physicians? Why did we attend hundreds of sessions with therapists, if not to learn how to change and improve ourselves? Why do we take medication every day? Why do we voraciously read books, watch webinars, and join online support groups, desperately seeking information about ADHD, except to “fix” how we journey through life?
Stop saying I don’t need to be fixed. I want to be fixed!!! Don’t change everything about me, but show me how to make the parts that cause me pain and hurt disappear. I will accept even a tiny improvement, but I am pleading with you, “Please fix me.” This is the silent, unspoken plea of most people with ADHD, hidden under the bravado of “I wouldn’t want to live without my ADHD.”
What we don't want is the judgment that goes with our unfixed lives. And why is there judgment? Because people, in general, don’t yet understand and accept that differences in brain structure and wiring can cause differences in behavior, but we are slowly getting there.
This past week, there was an editorial by a physician who finally took medication for his depression after years of struggle, thinking he could improve by willing it his depression away. After medication significantly improved his depression, he decided to take medication for weight loss, another problem he had wrestled with for years. On this medication, which we still don’t understand how it works, he is quickly and easily losing weight.
We accept that not everyone has perfect eyesight, and we don’t judge those with poor vision. We help them. We “fix” their poor sight as much as possible with eye exams and glasses. We don’t judge people with an overbite. We encourage them to see an orthodontist and get braces. We don’t judge someone with cerebral palsy. We realize that everyone is not born with “good enough” bodies, and fortunate are those that do.
Both before and after my diagnosis of ADHD, I pursued “fixes” for being late, forgetful, procrastinating, messy, disorganized, having accidents, losing things, misplacing things, and wasting time.
Who would choose a life with these problematic behaviors if a “fix” was possible? Instead of continuously saying, “We don’t need to be fixed,”
Let’s educate others that not everyone is born with a “good enough” brain, a brain that has most of its neurotransmitters firing appropriately.
Let’s educate others that some brains need medications and other interventions to function optimally.
Let’s educate others that there is no shame to helping impaired brains work better and that it is necessary and appropriate.
We don’t want judgment: but we do want a “fix.” -------------------------------------------
Conclusion provided by CHATGPT
Instead of continuously insisting that "We don't need to be fixed," let's shift the conversation. Let's educate others about the complexity of ADHD, the diverse ways it manifests, and the varied approaches to managing it. We don't seek judgment, but we do seek understanding, acceptance, and support.
Let's embrace the idea that not everyone is born with a "good enough" brain, one where neurotransmitters function optimally. For some of us, medication and other interventions are necessary tools in our journey toward a fulfilling life. There's no shame in seeking help to make impaired brains work better—it's necessary and appropriate.
By fostering empathy, dispelling misconceptions, and advocating for a balanced approach, we can build a world where individuals with ADHD can thrive without judgment.