Nursing Grudges—An ADHD Specialty
I remember nursing a grudge against a friend I thought didn't like me as much as she pretended. Every time my mind wasn't occupied with something, I returned to my grudge, reworking variations on my grievance. “She’s a phony. She is so excited to see me, but ignores me and forgets things I’ve said. I need to stop thinking this way. It’s fruitless to have these thoughts. It’s a waste of time and doesn’t help. It would be best if I move on,” yet I continued to stew. Now I think my overreaction and emotional sensitivity was “Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria,” which is experienced by many with ADHD.
Dr. Hallowell writes that the ADHD mind needs engagement. When it’s not engaged in something worthwhile and exciting, it reverts to less enjoyable activities---like worrying, dwelling on hurt feelings, or nursing a grudge. Our disapproving mind acts like a hamster in his cage, running round and round on his wheel, never getting anywhere, but unable to stop.
Everything changed when my friend's husband, badly injured from a bicycle accident, was in intensive care. Suddenly, nursing a grudge seemed ridiculous. Someone I knew and cared about was deeply distressed. How could I help? How could I support her? What could I do to show that I was there for her? At that moment, my grudge against her evaporated and never returned.
Her husband’s injuries were a reality check. What was important? Being a good friend to someone in need or my hurt feelings of hurt over perceived rejection?
What grudges do you nurse? What resentments churn over and over in your mind? Would your life improve if you stopped paying attention to what, from a different perspective, amounts to a hill of beans. Try to forgive the other person of whatever trespasses he or she has committed. Without forgiveness you will continue to suffer.
If someone has indeed wronged you in a way you can’t forgive, break off the relationship. But if not, know that nursing a grudge makes you feel self–righteous, but it also makes you feel lousy.